What Idiot Published That?!

I kind of like the idea of being able to say whatever I want, and it gets published somewhere! I mean, it's an uneducational blog that means nothing to absolutely anyone, but I enjoy it. That's what matters right?

I don't know what to do. I need prayers and more and more motivation. I have to admit, life is rough right now.

Bad Days, No Chargers, and Dead Phones

I had an awful day yesterday. Everything was going wrong it seemed. The only person I really feel comfortable talking to about my problems is the boyfriend, but unfortunately he gets to listen to ALL of my problems. Things were just going so wrong that I knew he would be the only person able to cheer me up, but of course his phone died. I'm waiting for him to get a charger today (he left his at home) so I can talk to him. Yesterday... I don't know what it was, but something hit me and made me realize how much I love him. It was like I fell in love all over again.

Okay, you can go puke now.

I Wanna Push You Around. Well I Will, Well I Will. I Wanna Take You For Granted.

I have problems. I have known this for quite awhile. I have been fighting depression since I was about 8 years old and I recently have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I have major abandonment issues and have a very skewed view on relationships. Now, how in the world have I lasted in a very wonderful, loving relationship for over 2 years? Great question. All the crap in my head causes friction. Not between me and him, but between me and myself.

I start to push him away because I get scared, so I'll be very mean and kind of distant. Then I'll act like he is doing something wrong and I'll question his feelings for me and he'll just reassure me and reassure me that he loves me with everything that he's got. Then I feel bad after I calm down and talk sense into myself and I'll talk to him and apologize and he'll tell me it doesn't bother him, and he likes that I'm a little crazy. I don't get it. I absolutely don't get it. How can someone LIKE this about me?

A big reason why I push him away is because he is in the military and so goodbyes are pretty... commonplace in our relationship. The distance is not really hard for me. I've gotten used to it. But the goodbyes never get easier. Never. So, I start acting all weird. He is here and he leaves EAARLLY tomorrow morning. I am dreading it. I need to stop, relax, enjoy my time with him, and when I get crazy, remind myself I will see him again and that he is in love with me.

I love that man more than he will EVER know. I truly do.