What Will Happen Next I Don't Wanna Know

Sunday ended awfully with T. I feel like I had a good reason to be upset, but I also know I overreacted. I think I really hurt him. He left for his field op early monday morning, so our last conversation ended pretty badly and I won't get to talk to him until Friday. I feel pretty bad about it. I wonder if my craziness is going to push away one of the few things I love in this world.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I'm tired, but I've just been relaxing and listening to "I Don't Wanna Know" by New Found Glory and I feel like a kid again. I keep getting little flashbacks of the best summer of my life. I forgot how much I missed that time.

It has been awhile. Finally got that job so I've been busy, busy, busy.

Had some issues that I needed to work out. I think I did that yesterday. I don't know if I want to talk about it. It was quite upsetting.

Okay well I have to wake up in 5 hours and 42 minutes so I need to go to bed. I will write later.

What Idiot Published That?!

I kind of like the idea of being able to say whatever I want, and it gets published somewhere! I mean, it's an uneducational blog that means nothing to absolutely anyone, but I enjoy it. That's what matters right?

I don't know what to do. I need prayers and more and more motivation. I have to admit, life is rough right now.

Bad Days, No Chargers, and Dead Phones

I had an awful day yesterday. Everything was going wrong it seemed. The only person I really feel comfortable talking to about my problems is the boyfriend, but unfortunately he gets to listen to ALL of my problems. Things were just going so wrong that I knew he would be the only person able to cheer me up, but of course his phone died. I'm waiting for him to get a charger today (he left his at home) so I can talk to him. Yesterday... I don't know what it was, but something hit me and made me realize how much I love him. It was like I fell in love all over again.

Okay, you can go puke now.

I Wanna Push You Around. Well I Will, Well I Will. I Wanna Take You For Granted.

I have problems. I have known this for quite awhile. I have been fighting depression since I was about 8 years old and I recently have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I have major abandonment issues and have a very skewed view on relationships. Now, how in the world have I lasted in a very wonderful, loving relationship for over 2 years? Great question. All the crap in my head causes friction. Not between me and him, but between me and myself.

I start to push him away because I get scared, so I'll be very mean and kind of distant. Then I'll act like he is doing something wrong and I'll question his feelings for me and he'll just reassure me and reassure me that he loves me with everything that he's got. Then I feel bad after I calm down and talk sense into myself and I'll talk to him and apologize and he'll tell me it doesn't bother him, and he likes that I'm a little crazy. I don't get it. I absolutely don't get it. How can someone LIKE this about me?

A big reason why I push him away is because he is in the military and so goodbyes are pretty... commonplace in our relationship. The distance is not really hard for me. I've gotten used to it. But the goodbyes never get easier. Never. So, I start acting all weird. He is here and he leaves EAARLLY tomorrow morning. I am dreading it. I need to stop, relax, enjoy my time with him, and when I get crazy, remind myself I will see him again and that he is in love with me.

I love that man more than he will EVER know. I truly do.

Goaaaaaaalllssss... and not the World Cup kind...

I must admit, I have having a very rough summer. Usually, summer is an exciting time because I've been so used to summer being the one time of the year where I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted. Even though I had a part time job, it still wasn't all that much time taken out of my week. This summer, I have huge responsibilities to worry about. My old job won't take me back because he has no hours to give me. I just got hired at a new place part-time, and now I need to find another job, because one minimum wage part time job is just not going to cut it. I would rather relax and be a kid while I could. Well, not really relax, because I need to be doing something, and I'm not worried about working, but I am worried about being able to find this other job when I am only here for the summer.

What I really need to do is set some goals for myself and then figure out how I am going to achieve them. I guess maybe if I wrote (typed) them down, it would be a little easier for me. That way every time I log onto blogger, I can see them.

SO.....

Goal 1: Get a second job.
How I am going to accomplish this goal: apply apply apply. follow up follow up follow up.

Goal 2: lose 9 lbs.
How I am going to accomplish this goal: eat better. work out.

Goal 3: Get a tan.
How I am going to accomplish this goal: Lay out by the pool when not busy with goal 1 and 2.

I will probably come up with more later, but that is all I can think of right now.

How I am going to spend tomorrow on working on my goals:
Drink mass amounts of water. Eat lightly, no matter how bored I am. If I am full, stop eating no matter how good the food tastes. Lay by the pool with friends. Finish filling out applications and turn them in.

Legends, Lore, and Lies

Today, I'm pretty sure I found out one of my best friends lied to me. It was such a dumb lie. It was a lie about himself to make himself look cooler... I guess? It just hurts because he should know that I would never judge him. In fact, the truth seems something more to be respected than this lie.

The worst part is that he lied to his twin brother too. His brother loves him more than probably anyone. It just breaks my heart. Oh, did I mention that his brother is kind of my boyfriend? Yeah. I don't know if I should tell him. I kept his lie a secret from our friends, but his brother is a different story. A part of me feels like he has a right to know, and another part of me feels like maybe I should leave it alone. I just don't understand why he has to make up things like this, especially to the people to whom he is closest.

Lies are dirty, dirty things. They may give off good impressions, but when they reveal themselves, it's ugly.